Celibacy shaming has replaced slut shaming

I was making my braids at the saloon a few months back, the subject of sex came up – a novelty. In my naivety, I regretfully interjected, suggesting that maybe sex was a little overrated, that maybe their recollections of events were somewhat distorted, a few numbers and timescales inflated, that sort of thing. “You’re clearly just not doing it right,” one joked, and another lady said “this one na virgin” she laughed uproariously at her own jest, the others laughed even louder. I joined in the heckling to safe face, but within, something stirred, a rippling effect, as feelings of inadequacy and shame began to pulsate from my core.

There are many factors that can contribute to feeling embarrassed about one’s stance on sex. Whether it’s pressure from peers, messages from the media, or internalized shame, it’s common for people to feel like their choices around sex are something to be kept hidden or minimized.

However, it’s important to recognize that there is nothing inherently shameful about choosing to abstain from sex, or to have a more cautious approach to sexual activities. In fact, taking the time to explore one’s own values, boundaries, and desires can be a powerful act of self-discovery and empowerment.

For me, the decision to change the narrative around my stance on sex came from a place of self-reflection and self-care. I realized that my previous embarrassment was rooted in a fear of being judged or rejected by others, rather than a true reflection of my own beliefs and values.

By embracing my own choices and speaking openly and honestly about my stance on sex, I found that I was able to connect with others on a deeper level and build stronger, more meaningful relationships. I also felt a renewed sense of confidence and self-respect, knowing that I was honoring my own needs and boundaries.

People usually  don’t know how to react when I say I abstain from premarital sex, but responses range from embarrassed silence to pity, to disbelief, to thinking that there must be something seriously wrong with me, to being intrigued or impressed. It may be misunderstood in our culture, but celibacy is liberating, demanding, exhilarating and, above all, a gift from God.

Part of the problem is that our society equates intimacy with sex and treats sex as a right. The logic goes something along this premise – Sexual relationships are the only context in which to express love and experience intimacy. This is problematic as it’s based on false assumptions. There are many non-sexual but nevertheless intimate relationships.

I recently saw a teen movie on Netflix where the protagonist is basically made to feel like an outcast for being sexually inexperienced. Everyone in her life seemed to think it was absurd that, at 17, she hadn’t slept with anyone yet, and they all treated her like she was missing out on the most important of life experiences – like she was naïve and childish. This is an example of an underlying message I’ve seen more and more of in the media lately that honestly disturbs me a lot.

In our mad rush to avoid slut shaming, a lot of books, movies and social media campaigns have swung in the other direction, and the message is being portrayed that sex really should be casual – that it’s more fun or somehow better that way. That waiting to have sex until you’re really sure of your feelings about someone is a bit passé – you shouldn’t have to be sure of your feelings because feelings aren’t necessary for sex and we (girls especially) should own their sexuality in this new way by not really worrying too much about that.

Similarly, sex is being portrayed like it’s absolutely expected most of the time. It’s the obvious next step as soon as our protagonists actually get together. This is usually the progression:

Rose and Jack meet on the Titanic

Rose and Jack obviously like each other.

Jack draws the famous nude picture of Rose.

Rose and Jack have sex inside a car in the cargo hold. (Oh, wow! Already? Wasn’t their first kiss just yesterday?)

I don’t intend to go back to that era where sex is stigmatized and people (girls especially) are made to feel like their bum should be hauled to hell fire for being sexually active. Neither am I pointing an accusing finger of moral corruption at anyone who has had multiple sexual partners. I’m not a morality police. And quite frankly, morality and virginity are not mutually exclusive. However, I DO worry a lot that our cultures’ messaging has swung a little too far in the other direction – we celebrate sexuality and forget to mention that there could be ramifications of having multiple partners because the mere mention of those possible consequences (or the thought that many partners might not be ideal) is slut shaming.

If you are interested in some scary statistics on STD prevalence – according to the World Health Organization, more than one million sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are acquired every day worldwide. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that in the United States alone, there were nearly 2.5 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis in 2019. That’s a significant increase from previous years.

The World Health Organization also reports that there are more than 376 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) each year. That means that every day, millions of people are being impacted by these infections. The good news is that many of these infections are preventable with education and awareness.

I just want to point out the cultural obsession with the idea of “losing” one’s virginity as soon as possible. This can lead to pressure and a sense of shame for those who choose to wait, and it can create an environment that’s not always conducive to making healthy and informed decisions about sex.

It’s time to change this narrative. Rather than making young people feel like they have to rush into sex, we need to encourage a stance of caution. This doesn’t mean shaming anyone who chooses to have sex – But it does mean acknowledging that there are risks and responsibilities that come with sex, and that these need to be taken seriously.

One way to encourage this stance of caution is to provide more positive portrayals of it in the media. Rather than glorifying sexual experiences that are rushed or impulsive, we should be celebrating those who choose to take their time and make informed decisions about sex. This can mean creating screenplays and media that feature protagonists who choose abstinence, or who wait until they feel ready to have sex.

Another important step is to abolish the message that it’s okay to make someone feel bad or less of a human for choosing to wait. This kind of shame and pressure can be damaging to young people, and can lead to negative consequences like unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, and emotional distress.

Ultimately, the key is to promote an environment that’s supportive and informative for young people when it comes to sex. This means providing education about sexual health and relationships, as well as encouraging a sense of responsibility when it comes to making decisions about sex. By doing so, we can help create a culture that values and respects all choices around sex, and that promotes healthy and fulfilling relationships for all.